I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
