When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
this will be a night to untag.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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