Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
