I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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