Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
