I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
