I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
