Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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