and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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