Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
