I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
