Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
