tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
