time to smoke my breakfast
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
