Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
