I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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