you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
