I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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