So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
