Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
