I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
