Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
