she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
