I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
