i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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