if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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