I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
