From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
