....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
