I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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