Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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