I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
