u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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