Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
