I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
