I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Drake has all the answers
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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