Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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