if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
In America we eat man semen.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
