Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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