Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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