dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
