I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Say something about gay babies.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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