She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
