yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
