did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
