I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
