dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
