just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
