im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
