1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
