Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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